


SINcerity (Priest! Steve AU)

by LanceTheFuckerStuckyTucker (orphan_account)



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Priests, Anal Sex, Attempted Seduction, Awkward Kissing, Bless me Father, Bottom Bucky Barnes, Bottom Steve Rogers, Breaking Up & Making Up, Church Sex, Churches & Cathedrals, Consensual Underage Sex, Declarations Of Love, Drunk Dialing, Drunken Confessions, Drunkenness, Dubcon Kissing, Dubious Consent, Dubious Ethics, Dubious Morality, Falling In Love, First Love, Forbidden Fruit, Forbidden Love, French Kissing, Friends With Benefits, From Sex to Love, Groping, Guidance Counselors, Hand Jobs, I never meant to fall in love with you, Kissing, Love, Love Confessions, Love/Hate, M/M, Making Love, Making Out, Meaningless fuck, Meant To Be, Minor bucky barnes, Morality, Neck Kissing, Oral Sex, Phone Sex, Please Don't Hate Me, Please Don't Kill Me, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Priest Steve Rogers, Public Hand Jobs, Public Sex, Rimming, Rough Kissing, Rough Sex, Seduction, Seduction in a church, Seductive bucky, Sex, Sex Talk, Sex in a Car, Shower Sex, Sins of Youth, Surprise Kissing, Top Bucky Barnes, Top Steve Rogers, True Love, Underage Drinking, Underage Kissing, Underage Sex, Wall Sex, Youth pastors, for I want to Sin, sin - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-24
Updated: 2017-01-25
Packaged: 2018-09-19 15:17:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 16,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9447188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/LanceTheFuckerStuckyTucker
Summary: I smiled and asked "So how's your day going so far?"He smiled a little and said ""It's alright, so far...But uh...I-I've been feelin' a little off lately..."I nodded and asked "How so?"He looked up and then down at his hands. He laced his fingers together, and sat them in between his thighs.He said "I-I...I don't really know what's going on, really...I-I've been having these dreams...I don't know what they mean..."I nodded and said "Okay, that's alright...I'm not here to judge you, Buck, remember?"He nodded and I asked "So with these dreams...What do you dream about?"He swallowed and then said "..You.." His tone had changed. It went from being soft and timid, to a tone I've never heard come from him before.Then he looked up at me through his lashes, and even from where I was sitting, his blueish grey eyes, made chills shoot down my spine.I watched the corner of his mouth quickly twitch up into a smirk. Then he asked "Do you ever dream about me?"





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *Steve is actually just gonna be a Youth Pastor, not a Priest.*

* * *

 

(Steve's POV)

 

I had just finished today's lesson for Sunday School, and was ready to join everyone else for today's main service. Just as I was finishing up, there was a knock on the door.

I looked up and said "Come in!" The door opened, and Winifred Barnes was standing there. 

I smiled and said "Hello Misses Barnes, how are you?"

She smiled and said "Oh I'm fine, um...Do you have a minute?"

I nodded and said "Of course, come in."

She said "Well, it's actually about my son, Bucky...He was hoping he could talk to you."

I nodded and said "Okay...Where is he?"

She turned and motioned someone over. I've known Bucky for awhile. He's a good kid. Usually when I've seen him around here, he's pretty shy. But when I've substituted for some of the teachers at school, he's more open.

Then she opened the door wider, and I saw Bucky come up. His eyes darted around and then they landed on me. He smiled a little and said "H-Hey Steve."

I smiled and said "Hey Bucky. Come in, have a seat."

He nodded and Winifred asked "Sweetheart, do you want me to be here with you?"

He smiled and shook his head. He said "No Ma, go join everyone else. I'll be out soon."

"Are you sure?"

He chuckled and said "Yeah, I'm sure. I'll be out soon. Love you."

She said "I love you too, sweetheart. Have fun."

He nodded and she left. Then he pulled the door closed before he came and sat in a chair across from me. 

I smiled and asked "So how's your day going so far?"

He smiled a little and said ""It's alright, so far...But uh...I-I've been feelin' a little off lately..."

I nodded and asked "How so?"

He looked up and then down at his hands. He laced his fingers together, and sat them in between his thighs.

He said "I-I...I don't really know what's going on, really...I-I've been having these dreams...I don't know what they mean..."

I nodded and said "Okay, that's alright...I'm not here to judge you, Buck, remember?"

He nodded and I asked "So with these dreams...What do you dream about?"

He swallowed and then said "..You.." His tone had changed. It went from being soft and timid, to a tone I've never heard come from him before.

Then he looked up at me through his lashes, and even from where I was sitting, his blueish grey eyes, made chills shoot down my spine.

I watched the corner of his mouth quickly twitch up into a smirk. Then he asked "Do you ever dream about me?"

Actually, I have. But nothing bad has ever happened when he was in them, he usually just shows up...But with his tone of voice, I'm assuming I don't just randomly show up.

I thought he could be joking. I chuckled and when I saw no signs that he was joking, I stopped laughing.

I swallowed and asked "You're kidding right?"

He shook his head and asked "Does it look like I'm kidding?" I watched the tip of his tongue come poking out of the corner of his mouth, as he slowly licked along his bottom lip.

As twisted and perverse as it sounds, he has beautiful lips. Full, pouted, _sinful_ lips. Bucky is beautiful. He has a beautiful smile, beautiful eyes, a great facial structure for drawing, and a wonderful personality, from what I've seen...But I've known him since he was twelve, his family has been coming to this church for years.

I can't be thinking about him that way, especially being a man of God. I teach these kids, I try and keep them on the right path, I can't think things like this. It would go against everything I believe in.

My eyes went back up to his, and he smiled. He asked "You starin' at my lips, Stevie?...You like 'em?..." His smile grew and he said "I've been told a lot of people love 'em...Especially with what I do with 'em..."

 _Who is this kid??_ This isn't the twelve year old chubby kid who came into my class, wearing a Captain America shirt the day I met him. This isn't the kid that was so incredibly shy, he hardly ever participated in my lessons for the first two months he was in here.

He said "My dreams...They started three months ago...And every single night when I close my eyes, I see no one else, but you...The first one was the best...Every time I _blink_ , every time I _think_ , and every time I _look at you_ , I can't see anything else but what happened in the first one.."

I asked "What...What did you dream of in the first one?"

He smiled and said "I dreamt you were in my house one day...And you had me bent over my kitchen table, fucking me while my parents were in the living room...Only ten feet away..."

"Bucky-"

He said "I know how incredibly fucked up it is and sounds...But ever since then, I haven't looked at you the same way...And when I look at you now, I want you to fuck me until I never want anyone else...And I'm thinking the same thing looking at you right now..."

This has got to stop. I shouldn't have let it go this far. I stood up and said "Bucky, you should go-"

He stood up with me and asked "Do you want me to?"

I sighed and saud "Bucky..."

He stepped closer to me and said "I'm seventeen Steve, I'm not five...I think I'm old enough to know what I want."

I said "You have no idea what you want."

He continued to come oser until he was standing right in front of me. He looked up at me and said "I'm at the age of consent here...I checked...You wouldn't get arrested-"

I said "Bucky, I'm one of your _Youth Pastor's_ , I work with the _Church_ , I can't do this, it's wrong."

He asked "Says who? _God?_ You're afraid the big guy upstairs will point down at you and say "You've been naughty" and send you down to have a tea party with his big red friend? Come on Steve-"

I said "Bucky...I've known you since you were twelve...I couldn't do that to you..."

He smiled a little and asked "You couldn't or wouldn't? Steve, I'm not stupid...I've seen the way you've looked at me, sometimes..."

Then he tilted his face up towards mine and inched closer until his nose was touching mine. I wanted to move, but it felt like I couldn't. He said "Whether you believe it or not...I know you want me..."

"Bucky, I don't... I don't want you..." But hearing that come from my own mouth, sounded like the worst lie I've ever told in my life. But I _wasn't_ lying. 

He smiled and asked "You sure about that? Cause that sounded like a lie to me....Okay, I'll make you a deal....One kiss. Let me give you one kiss and if you don't kiss me back, I'll walk out of this room, and we never speak of this again...Deal?"

I nodded and said "Sure." Because I just wanted this to be over. He nodded and that's when he brought his hand up and rested it on my cheek. I felt his thumb start to outline the shape and curve of my lips, and I knew he wasn't going for a quick peck.

Every time I looked at Bucky before this, I never meant it in a certain way. I've known him for five years, he's a good kid. When I look at him, I see am incredibly smart, kind, good person. When I look at him, I don't see myself having sex with him. I have never _ever_ thought of him like that.

He's seventeen years old, and I'm twenty-eight. I'm eleven years older than him, I can't do this to him.

He wasn't wrong about the age of consent, and I may not get arrested, but I couldn't still get in a Hell of a lot trouble if anyone weerr ever to find out. I'd lose my job, and probably stir up a huge mess until I can never show my face around Brooklyn, ever again.

I watched as his eyes stayed fixed on my lips, before he was looking up at me through his lashes. His eyes were getting darker, and his pupils looked like they were getting bigger. He swallowed and his breathing sounded off. I felt like I couldn't breathe at all.

After a minute or two, he closed the gap and his lips touched mine. It was soft and gentle at first, but I didn't respond. He pulled back a little and looked at me for a second, before going back in and kissing me harder. 

His lips moved on mine, but I wasn't moving with him. I couldn't. After a moment, he probably realized I wasn't gonna kiss him back, and he pulled away. I instantly felt a huge jerk, cause he looked at me like I just killed everything he loves.

I could see tears pool in his eyes, and his lip quivered a little. He swallowed and nodded. He quietly said "Okay...Looks like I got my answer...I'll see you Wednesday night, bye."

He turned and walked out and I said "Bucky, wait." But he just kept going. I sighed. If he knew I wasn't gonna kiss him back, then why would he do it in the first place?!

Maybe if I could talk to him when he comes to Youth Wednesday night, maybe he could understand then. He has to.

 

~~~~~~~~

 

(Wednesday)

 

When Wednesday night came, I had had enough time to think about what I'd like to say to Bucky. I decided to wait until service was over, so I could talk to Bucky in private.

I could still see the way he looked at me after he kissed me. That's all I could see now, and I can't get it out of my head. I felt so bad for shooting him down, but he has to understand why we can't do something like this! He's smart enough to know why we can't.

I have been apart of this church since I was born. I grew up with this church, and I have spent twenty-eight years as a Christian, and I can't turn back on that by having an affair with Bucky. Then I would have a special place in Hell waiting for me.

Ever since my wife Peggy died, I haven't been with anyone else, or even tried to go on any of the dates my friends wanted to set me up with. I understood that they care about me, and I love them for trying.

But even though it's been two years since she died, I can't be with anyone else...She was my wife, I still wear my wedding ring...I can't move on, I've tried. I wanted to go on the dates, but as soon as she crosses my mind, I can't. I'd feel like I'm cheating on her if I was with someone else.

Bucky knew about what happened to her. Him and his parents came to her funeral. Ever since she died, I sometimes questioned my faith in God. But I shook those thoughts out of my head and I'm still here. Trying to teach kids about God's love, and keep them on the road to him. And I can't afford making a wrong turn with Bucky.

During my sermon, I would occasionally look over at Bucky. He obviously didn't look happy, but he didn't tear his eyes away from me. Then I would look away and continue on. I just hope he understands.

 

~~~~~~~~

 

After the service ended, I saw Bucky and asked "Hey Bucky, um...C-Can we talk?"

He rolled his eyes and said "Not now, I gotta get home."

I said "Bucky please, I really need to talk to you."

He said "If you wanna talk, I'll come over to your place Saturday, alright? But right now, I gotta find my mom and dad."

I live about five minutes away from where Bucky lives. He knows where I live, he's came by on Halloween before, Trick or Treating with his friends. I'm not much of a believer in Halloween, but I still give out candy to the kids.

Even though Bucky came by last year with some of his friends. I guess you're never too old for free candy.

I sighed and said "Alright...What time?"

He looked back over his shoulder and said "You'll know when I get there. See ya." And he left.

 

~~~~~~~~

 

(Saturday)

 

It was a little past noon when I got a knock on my door. I was just in my PJ's, but I was assuming it would be Bucky. When I went and answered it, I was right.

He stood there, not smiling, and he looked like he just rolled out of bed, except he was wearing jeans and a T-Shirt. 

I smiled and said "Hey...Come in."

He nodded and I stepped out of the way so he could walk inside. He said "I told my parents I was gonna head over to my friend Natasha's house, which I'll actually do once I leave, so if you wanna talk, start talking."

He went over and plopped down onto my couch and I went and sat down next to him. He scooted away from me, but looked at me. I swlowed and said "I'm sorry for what happened, Sunday...I didn't realize it would hurt you that much."

He said "S'fine...Figured you wouldn't do it anyways..."

I chuckled and asked "Then why do it if you knew I wasn't gonna kiss you back?"

He looked over at the little table I had on his side of the couch, and was looking at a framed picture of Peggy I had sitting there.

He picked it up and said "Maybe it's because you've gotta stop living being leashed to her, and move on." Before gently putting the picture face down on the table.

I quickly said "Sit that back up, Please." When he didn't do it, I said "Now." In a firm tone. He rolled his eyes and sat it back up to where it originally was.

Then he said "Look at you, Steve...What are you doing? You need to let her go-"

I said "She's my wife."

He corrected me by saying "She _was_ your wife. The keyword today being _'was'_. It's been almost three years, when are you gonna let go?"

I said "Never, now Bucky please, let me talk."

He crossed his arms over his chest and said "Fine. Talk."

I said "Bucky...I do feel bad for what happened, but you gotta understand this...You kissed an almost thirty year old man-"

He cut me off and said "I'm almost eighteen in four months, plus I'm at the consenting age, so there's nothing wrong there."

I sighed and said "That may be, but think of the morality of it, Buck...I've known you for five years, I wouldn't do that to you, I don't think of you in any possible sexual way, nor have I looked at you in any certain way..

Even if we were together, I cwould still stir up a lot of trouble, and I wouldn't wanna drag you into the hurricane with me....Okay? Do you understand?"

He nodded and said "Yeah, I understand..."

I nodded and said "Good...You're a great person Buck, and I hope you find whatever it is you're looking-"

He cut me off and said "I could see it in your eyes, ya know."

I stopped and asked "What do you mean?

He said "When I kissed you...And even before...I could see it in your eyes."

I asked "See what?"

He rolled his eyes and said "Grimace from Ronald Mcdonald, the giant purple retarded thing, I could see that you wanted me to kiss you, you fucking idiot."

I pointed my finger at him and said "Okay, that's enough. I wanted to be nice and talk to you like an adult, but if you're gonna act like that in my house, then get out."

He asked "Or what? You gonna spank my ass with a Bible?"

I stood up and said "Get out, Bucky. Now."

He stood up too and said "Ya know what, I feel sorry for you...It's been almost three Goddamn years since your wife died, you're still wearing your wedding ring, and you've got a million fucking pictures of her everywhere, it's not healthy Steve!"

I said "I am just fine thank you very much for your concern, now leave."

He chuckled and said "Oh yeah, you're fine. Yeah, keep telling yourself that, Pal." He turned to walk away, but I grabbed his shoulder and quickly spun him around.

I asked "What does it matter to you anyways, Bucky?? You're just a horny little slut that just wanted to get into my pants, what does me still moving my wife years after she died, matter to you?! A man can't love his wife after she's gone?!"

He said "You can, but eventually you gotta move on...Look at yourself Steve, you're lonely. You are so fucking lonely, and everyone can see it. Everyone talks about it when you're not around, hell, my parents do! And I figured it was time for you to move on!"

I asked "Oh yeah, move on with a kid like you and live happily ever after, is that what you were thinking?"

He said "No, but maybe if I fucked you, you might feel a little less lonely! Get some of that shit out of your system! I never meant to have all the dreams I'm having Steve, they just happened! At first I didn't fucking want 'em! Hell, I was freaked out about it! But after awhile, I got over it, and I began to like it!"

I opened my mouth to say something, but then I said "Even if it was just one fuck. One fuck, meaningless, meant absolutely nothing, just to get that shit out, that would be just fine with me. And yeah, it really hurt when you didn't kiss me back, but now I'm kinda glad you didn't, cause you're really just a fucking asshole!"

He then put his hands on my chest and shoved me back. I pointed my finger at him and said "Don't push me, Bucky."

He did it again and said "Fuck you! You are such an asshole, I can't believe I ever cared about you! I can't believe I ever fucking kissed you!"

That's when I snapped. I said " _Well_ , _boo hoo_! I am so sorry your feelings are hurt, _Princess_ _!_ You want me to kiss you? Hmm? If I kiss you, will you get get the fuck outta my house? Alright then, I'll kiss you. I'll fucking kiss you."

That's when I went over to him, put my had on his lower back and yanked him closer to me before I destroyed everything I believed in, by holding the back of his head in my hand and crushed our lips together.

He responded by quickly wrapping his arm around my neck and kissed me back just as hard.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *I kept hearing The Big Bang by Rock Mafia while writing this, so I can imagine it playing over and over throughout this chapter and pretty much any of the sex scenes XD. And I'm really proud about throwing that Bobby line from Supernatural in the last chapter, it had to be done XD.*

I was angry. And I don't get angry that much. I told myself I wasn't gonna do this, but if a quick fuck means he'll get out of my house and for us be done with this, then I'll do it.

We were kissing so hard, it was becoming painful. We hardly ever pulled away, unless to breathe. My hands were now glued to his waist, but his hands were constantly moving, especially through my hair.

Soon he pulled away and shoved me down onto the couch. I hit it with a thud and he smiled. I watched as he got on top of my and straddled my lap, before bringing his lips back to mine.

We kissed at about the same when we started and my hands grabbed at his ass through his jeans. _This was so wrong._ But if it'll end all this, then I'll take it.

He moaned against my lips and I pulled away, only to bring my lips down to his neck he moved his head to the side and I started to quickly kiss trails up and down his neck, before going back got his lips.

He pulled back a little and said "Bedroom.."

I said "No."

He pulled back and looked at me confused. I said "If you want me to fuck you, then I'll fuck you wherever _I_ want to. Got it?" 

He moaned and nodded, cheweing on his bottom lip. I nodded and said "Good. Now get your clothes off, I ain't got all day."

He smiled big and quickly brought his hands down to the hem of his shirt.he crossed his wrists before pulling his shirt up over his head, until it was off, and he threw it over somewhere.

My eyes quickly landed on his stomach, and I was so unprepared to see the abs he's got going on. He had lost a lot of weight after his chubby twelve year old stage, but with how loose his shirts have been, I was expecting him to be thinner.

I used to be horribly thin. I was under a hundred pounds, I was a mess. But then soon after puberty hit, things got better for me. And I've worked very hard for the health and body I have now. 

He had a nice stomach, toned chest, and his arms were bigger than I ever thought they would be. He smiled and asked "See anything you like?"

I nodded and said "Yeah...Now get your pants off."

His smile grew and he got off my lap before working open the button on his jeans. When he for the zipper down, he quickly pulled them down off his legs, and I got to see how toned and strong they looked. He really is beautiful.

I quickly pulled off my shirt and tossed it off and his eyes dropped down to my stomach. He groaned and said "Fuck, you're so hot....Bless me Father, for I want to _Sin_...I want to Sin _so bad_."

I smiled and stood up. I pulled him in and kissed him and said "And we will." Then I pulled my PJ pants down and off, he smirked. He went to get on his knees in front of me, but I quickly grabbed him and pulled him back up.

I asked "What do you think you're doing?"

He smiled and said "Getting on my knees and praying for forgiveness." He winked at me and giggled.

I smiled and said "Well baby, you don't get to do that...Not today...Today, I run this thing. You got that?"

He quickly nodded and smiled. I said "Good boy...Noe what we're gonna do, is I'm gonna sit down, and you're gonna sit on my dick and enjoy the ride....Does that sound good to you?"

He smiled and said "Yes, Sir." 

I nodded and said "Good...Have you had sex before?"

He nodded and said "Yeah, like four times." 

I nodded and said "Okay. You got any condoms with you or...?"

He shook his head and said "No. Do you?"

I gave him a look and asked "Does it look like I have any?"

He groaned and said "Well I know I'm clean, so you got nothing to worry about."

I nodded and said "Well so am I." I kissed him again before I pulled my boxer briefs down and plopped back down on the couch.

His eyes went down and widened and his jaw dropped. I guess I'm more above average down there, but nothing to really brag about. But I could see Bucky was getting more excited about it. 

He said "Holy shit..." Before quickly pulling down his underwear.

I let my eyes wander down South, and smiled. I said "I could say the same thing about you.." Then I crooked my finger at him and said "C'mere gorgeous."

He smiled and quickly came back over and turn around, before grabbing me and positioning me. I asked "Wait, do you need me to-"

He smiled said "I'm a big boy, I can take it...Well, not as big as you, of course." Before he start to slowly sink down.

We both shuddered as he went, and I was surrounded by intense heat...I haven't felt heat like this since Peggy was alive. _Don't think about that right now._ I quickly shook it out of my mind and that's when Bucky stopped. 

I was about to ask if he was okay, when I realized he was at max, cause his ass was almost flush against my pelvis. He groaned and said "Fuck.." Before dropping his head back against my shoulder and the the back of the couch.

Then he started to move, so I started moving too. It started off slow, but then he decided he wanted to go fast. I gripped his hips hard and started to quickly pound into him, and he started moaning like a whore. But my God, he was a beautiful one.

I brought one hand up and wrapped it around his that while I did it, and our moans got louder. Soon our position was starting to irritate me, so I stopped and he whined. 

I panted and said "Get on your hands and knees, Baby...C'mon, move it, on the couch.." 

He smiled and got off me, and did what I said. When he was on his hands and knees on the couch, he looked back at me over his shoulder and smiled. 

I ran my hands up and down and all around his body and said "God, you're fucking gorgeous.." He whimpered and I said "Relax Baby, I'll give you what you need.." Before slipping back into him.

We groaned and I started moving this time, trying to go the same speed as before. The rest of the house was quiet except for the sounds of skin slapping skin and our moaning.

He was holding onto the arm of the couch for dear life, and I smiled. I said "Touch yourself." 

He whine and asked "Why don't you do it?"

I said "Touch yourself now, or I'll stop." He nodded and started doing it and moved a little to be sure I could see it. I said "That's it, Baby...That's a good boy...And all good boys get rewarded..."

With that said, I started picking up my pace more, and went harder. All the sounds he was making, were like music to my ears...Maybe he was right, I was lonely. But I never thought I'd be lonely enough to end up fucking Bucky.

He made a particularly loud noise and said "S-Steve...I-I can't.... I'm gon-" but he got cut off when I felt his whole body shudder and he choked on a moan as he came. That was enough to send me over after him, and I spilled into him.

After a minute we just stayed there, panting and sweating, and then I pulled out. Then we sat there and he smiled. He said "That was fun..."

I chuckled and said "Yeah, it was.."

He looked over and asked "Can um...Do you mind if I use your shower?"

I said "No, go ahead...Actually, I think I'll join you."

He smiled and said "Good." 

 

~~~~~~~~

 

We didn't do much while we showered, except occasionally kiss. But after we cleaned up and put our clothes back on, we went to the front door and he pulled me in for a kiss.

I kissed him back and then he pulled back and smiled. He said "Thank you...And I'm sorry about what I said earlier.."

I nodded and said "It's okay...And I'm sorry for what I said, too.." 

He smiled and kissed me again before pulling away and said "I'll see you tomorrow...Bye." 

I said "Bye." And he walked out. As soon as I closed the front door, reality hit me hard. I fucked Bucky Barnes. I fucked a seventeen year old kid who's in my Sunday School class.

I groaned and locked the door. I felt like I had just gotten seduced by an Incubus...I think I just screwed everything up. I only did it so he'd leave...And after all, he did say it was just a one time thing, right? 

 

~~~~~~~~

 

(Sunday)

 

When it was time for Sunday School to start, a couple of the kids came in. Then Bucky walked in. He smiled big st me and said "Good morning." 

I nodded and smiled a little. "Good morning, Bucky." His smile faltered a little, and then he sat down. Then his friend Natasha came in, and sat down next to him.

Throughout the lesson, Bucky hardly said anything, even to Natasha. And I noticed he looked a little worried. 

After the lesson ended, Bucky stayed by for a minute and asked "Can I talk to you?"

I looked up at him and nodded. I said "Of course you can...What's up?"

He asked "Are um...A-Are you okay?...Did I do something wrong?"

I shook my head and sighed. I said "No Buck, you didn't...I did.....We shouldn't have done that yesterday."

He looked a little hurt by it and asked "What? What do you mean?"

I said "Bucky, do you know what would happen if everyone found out what we did? Pardon my language in this house of God, but we'd be _fucked._ "

He shook his head and said "No we wouldn't....You wanted it just as bad as I did."

I pointed my finger at him and said "Take that back."

He said "No, you did...I'm not blind Stevie, I _saw_ how much you loved it...Maybe we could start over, and try-"

I said "Bucky, you said it yourself...It was a one time thing...You got what you wanted, so let's just forget it ever happened, and we can still be friends. No harm, no foul, water under the bridge."

He looked just as hurt as he did when I didn't kiss him back last Sunday and he quietly said "I was right...You really are a fucking asshole.."

I sighed and said "Bucky." 

He backed up and said "Oh noooo, excuse me....I'm sorry for ruining your perfect fucking existence, Mister God's righteous man...I'll never bother you again....Goodbye, Steve."

He turned to leave and I stopped him. I pulled him back to me and he said "Get off of me...Wouldn't wanna ruin everything for you."

I sighed and said "I'm sorry...I'm being an ass, I'm just...I don't know what to think right now, okay?...I'm sorry...Please don't go..."

He nodded and I asked "Can I get some time to think about things?...Maybe I could see you again on Saturday?"

He nodded and said "Sure...Think long and hard about this, cause I really wanna fucking punch you in the face right now."

I nodded and said "I will."

He nodded and asked "Can um...Can I kiss you?"

I nodded and said "Yeah." 

He quickly pulled me in and kissed me, and I kissed him back. Then he pued away and smiled a little. He said "C'mon, we gotta go." Referring to the main service. I nodded and we walked out of the room. 

 

~~~~~~~~

 

I don't know what to do. On one hand, I wanna end things for good and forget that we did anything. But then I feel lick a total dickhead, and don't wanna hurt Bucky. 

On the other hand, I wanna continue to either fuck him, or have something more. It would he difficult due to our age difference, and would have to probably hide what we have for years.

I kept looking at the picture I have of Peggy that Bucky picked up and l said "I really need some help, Peg...I don't know what to do."

I realized I was talking to a picture in a picture frame, and sighed. I put it back and rubbed my face in my hands.

This shouldn't be this difficult. We only fucked once!! That's what he wanted, that's what he said we wanted!! So that made me lean towards ending it for good. 

But then I kept seeing that hurt look in his eyes, and it made me wanna lean away from it. I groaned and decided to think about it again tomorrow. And I'm hoping I have my answer by Saturday.

 

~~~~~~~~

 

(Wednesday)

 

By the time it was Wednesday, I still didn't have my mind made up. I saw Bucky talking to some of his friends and he looked over at me. He smiled and I smiled back, but I still didn't have an answer.

 

~~~~~~~~

 

(Saturday)

 

Today was the day Bucky was coming over. And I think I have come up with a possible solution. And I'm hoping with this, no one gets hurt.

It was almost three thirty when there was a knock at the door. I went to answer it, and saw Bucky standing there. 

He smiled and said "Hi."

I said "Hey."

Then he said "Sorry, I would've come earlier, but I slept in a little."

I nodded and said "Don't worry about it. Come on in."

He nodded and he came inside, and I closed and locked the door behind me. 

He went over to the couch and plopped down. He said "Soooooo..."

I nodded and said "Soooooo..."

He asked "How's the thinking coming?"

I said "Well um...I-I think I may have come up with a solution that could work."

He nodded and said "Okay, lay it on me."

I walked over to where he could see me a little better, and I said "So I thought about it, I thought a lot actually...And I think perhaps we can settle this by being um...M-Maybe by becoming, uhhhh...Friends With Benefits?"

He raised an eyebrow and asked "Friends With Benefits?"

I nodded and said "Yeah um...Friends who sometimes like to have se-"

He said "I know what it means Steve I wasn't born yesterday, I was saying that's what you picked?"

I nodded and said "Yeah...You can come over any time you want, we can...Well, ya know...And hang out afterwards if you want...I know things are weird right now, but-"

He said "Yeah, that sounds like a good idea."

I stopped and asked "It is?" 

He smiled and nodded. He said "Yeah. We could have fun, without feelings possibly getting in the way..."

I nodded and asked "But...What happens if "feelings" do um...Happen? Usually that wmisnt good for that kind of situation..."

He shrugged and said "I dunno. We'll figure shit out if that happens....Now I'm cool with it as long as you're not a total dickhead to me afterwards, got it?"

I nodded and he smiled. He said "Good...Sooooo what do you wanna do now?" 

I smiled and said "Well uh...I think I got and idea." 

His smile grew and asked "Oh yeah?"

I nodded and said "Yeah." _I'm hoping this is a good idea._ But there's always something that could go wrong.

 

~~~~~~~~

 

_***Okay guys, I think after this chapter I gotta stop for today. I hardly got any sleep last night, it took forever to fall asleep cause I was hopped up on caffeine, and I probably got 5 and a half hours of sleep, I got about 4 the night before. I was planning this thing late last night before I went to sleep, and I gotta get some sleep tonight, so I think this is my stopping point for today, or it's gonna happen again :-( <3*** _


	3. Chapter 3

But right now, everything was going just fine. At the moment, I was kicking my bedroom door open, and carrying Bucky's body inside.

He had his arms and legs around me like a Koala, and our lips never parted. When we got to my bed, we fell back onto it with me on top, and he giggled. 

I smiled and pulled away from his lips before kissing along his neck. He sighed as I pushed his shirt up to his collarbone and ran my hands all around his chest and stomach, before leaning down and pressing my lips to his chest.

I kissed a line down his stomach and stopped at his pelvis, before drahhing my tongue all the way back up to where I started. I kept my eyes on him as it did it, and watched as he quickly pulled his shirt off and tossed it.

I quickly moved to kiss him again, and repeated what I did, except pulled his pants down a little and kissed _lower_ before dragging my tongue back up.

He groaned and let his head fall back onto the soft mattress. He said "You're a fucking tease..."  

I smiled and said "I aim to please.."

He smiled and said "Then do that, and get naked."

I chuckled and pulled back to pull my shirt off, and started pulling my pants down. He watched and said "God, you're still fucking hot....And you're almost thirty? Is that legal??"

I smiled and it says "It all depends on how you take care of your body, Buck. Don't ever forget that."

He nodded and I started working on getting his pants off, and he raised his hips up to help. When I finally got them off, he pulled his underwear and asked "Can I suck your-"

"No."

He asked "Oh come on, why not?!"

I smiled and said "Maybe later. But not right now."

He groaned and said "Fine...Could you at least suck mi-"

"Again, maybe later."

He huffed and said "Well you're just a ray of sunshine, aren't you?"

I smiled and said "Hey, I said maybe later...I'm not exactly closing that door all the way."

He thought for a second and then nodded. He said "True. Now come here." 

I smiled and I went in to kiss him, and after I did, he quickly pushed me onto my back on the bed. My head landed on the pillows, and he crawled on top of me.

He smiled and said "When I was little, at one point, I wanted to grow up and be a Cowboy...Now I'll get to live that dre-"

But before he could finish, I quickly flipped us over until he was on his back, and smiled. I said "Not today, Cowboy." Before I wrapped his legs around my hips and quickly spit on my hand and slicked myself up and said "I'm sorry, but last Saturday must've hurt."

He smiled and said "Not really. Like I said, I'm a big boy. I have a high pain tolerance."

I nodded and smiled. "Well, ain't that nice to hear?" Before I quickly pushed into him. He gasped then when I reached the limit, he moaned and coiled his legs tighter around me before I started moving.

I started off slow and it stayed that way for a little while. I could tell he wanted me to go faster, but I wanted to keep teasing him. But truth is, I wanted to go faster too, so I started picking up my pace, and we both moaned.

I leaned down and kissed him and he kissed back, and I shifted my hips a little to change my angle, and when I thrusted, I must've done something cause Bucky cried out like a yelping dog. 

I asked "What, what is it?? You okay??"

He nodded and smiled. He said "I'm just dandy...Do that again."

I nodded and I started doing the same thing, and he started moaning louder and that was a sign I was doing something right.

I kept doing it and started going harder, and he hugged me close for dear life. I hissed as he dragged his nails down my back, but the pain felt good. 

 _God, he sounded beautiful._ I've never heard something so sweet in my life. As crazy and fucked up as it is, it's true.

 

~~~~~~~~

 

After we had finished, I pulled away and dropped down next to him. We laid there panting, staring up at the ceiling, and he turned to me. 

He smiled and said "That was fun."

I smiled and looked over at him. I said "Yeah, it was...So a Cowboy huh?"

He chuckled and said "I was three, I had an obsession with wanting to be like Woody from _Toy Story_...I even had a pair if boots, and I wrote _**ANDY**_ on the bottom of one of them."

I chuckled and asked "Really??" 

He nodded and his smile grew. He said "Yeah, my mom got _SO PISSED_ at me, but my dad thought it was brilliant...I even ran around the house yelling _"THERE'S A SNAKE IN MY BOOT!!"_  "

I started laughing and I said "That's so cute!!"

He playfully pushed me and said "Shut up, I was a very serious, very scary, very determined Cowboy."

I smiled and said "Well...I think I'll be the judge of that."

He smiled big and asked "Really??"

I nodded and said "Sure, why not? Cross it off your Bucket List."

He smiled and said "Sweet."

 

~~~~~~~~

 

I'm glad I decided on this, cause it felt _really fuckin good_. and so far, Bucky is a gorgeous Cowboy...Too bad I don't own a Cowboy hat.

But Bucky moving on top of me, was good enough for me. But I should have him remind me to buy one when I get the chance.

God must've really taken his time with him. _He's so perfect_. Perfect body, perfect smile, gorgeous eyes, _those fucking lips_. I can't wait to thank him...Oh wait never mind, I have a VIP room in Hell, waiting for me. 

I held onto his hips as he rode, and he leaned down to kiss me. I quickly kissed him back before gently catching his bottom lip between my teeth. I gently tugged and he moaned.

He slowed his movements down and just slowly rocked back and forth, making us both moan. I smiled against his lips and said "Tease."

He smiled and said "You started it."

I chuckled and after a few minutes, he started picking up speed again, and he whimpered and hung his head. 

He said "Fuck, I thank God for crafting your fucking cock."

I smiled and soon I shuddered and came again, and he stopped. We groaned and he slowly kept moving a little, before getting off.

Then an idea popped in my head and as soon as he got on his back, I quickly spread his legs and got down in between them.

He asked "Wait whoa, what are you doing??"

I smiled and said "Remember when I said maybe later? Well, it's later."

He smiled then asked "Wait, have you ever even sucked a dick before???" 

He chuckled and said "Well know, but...I had a Gay friend back in college...He told me some tricks if I were to ever switch over...And lucky for you, I have a great memory."

And before he could answer, I opened my mouth, and took him in a the way until my nose was touching his pubuc bone.

He quickly jumped and said "H-Holy shit!"

I used to he sick all the time when I was growing up, so after having so many tongue depressors, and mouth thermometers stuck in my mouth, I lost my gag reflex. 

So after he jumped, it didn't affect me none. I just looked up at him through my lashes and started bobbing my head up and down.

I ought to thank my friend a those years back, cause with all that I was doing, Bucky was going crazy...And it's only been a few minutes. And after a few more minutes, he was coming undone.

Before I could pull off, he threw his head back and moaned, and released into my mouth. The taste was definitely new. But I moaned around him and pulled back, before swallowing it down.

I smiled down at him and his head droppd down limp on the pillows. He panted and said "You...Jesus Christ..."

I smiled and said "Not exactly."

He chuckled and said "Are you sure you've never done that before?"

I said "Yeah Buck, I'm sure."

He said "Well that was the best head I've ever had...Can I take care of you, now?"

I chuckled and said "Hmmm I dunno..."

He sat up and said "A lot of guys would kill to have this mouth wrapped around their cocks, you'd he missing a golden opportunity, Stevie."

I smiled and said "I'll think about it...C'mon, let's clean up."

 

~~~~~~~~

 

While we were cleaning up in the shower, Bucky kept running his hands up and down my chest, even after the soap was washed off.

His eyes roamed me and said "God, you're impossible..."

I smiled and he leaned in to kiss me and before I could, he quickly and carefully got on his knees in front of me, nearly busting his ass, and wrapped his mouth around me.

I quickly gasped and jumped, and he just moaned around me and started moving his head. I smiled down at him, and he looked up at me all doe-eyed. I said "You're a sneaky little shit, you know that right?" 

He just nodded and kept going...Well he wasn't wrong...I would definitely kill to have that fucking mouth on my cock.

 

~~~~~~~~

 

After we got out, he smiled and asked "Ya see? Now was that so bad?"

I smiled and said "No, it wasn't...But give me a warning next time, you could a broke your leg in there or something."

He chuckled and said "Eh, would've been worth it...For that glorious thing?Oh hell yeah, so worth it."

I chuckled and asked "What time is it?"

He said "I dunno my phones in the pocket in my jeans. I'll be right back."

I nodded and he walked out. Then ha came back and said "Oh shit, it's almost five thirty!...I gotta go, I gotta get my sister to soccer practice before six ten, Shit!"

I followed him out and watched as he quickly pulled his clothes back on, and he asked "Is it cool if I come over tomorrow after church is over?"

I nodded and said "Yeah, but be sure you get home and get ready for, the evening service."

He nodded and said "Alright, that's cool. See ya tomorrow, bye." He came over and quickly kissed me. I kissed back, and then he was out the door.

 

~~~~~~~~

 

(Sunday)

 

This time during my lesson, Bucky was pretty involved in it. That made me smile, he likes getting involved in group discussions. With these, or when I'm substituting at the school.

Seeing him talking, made me smile. After the lesson was over when everyone left, Bucky looked back at me and smiled he said "See ya little bit." And winked at me before walking out. I just smiled and shook my head.

 

~~~~~~~~

 

After the main service was finished, I went home and wasn't even there for ten minutes, before Bucky was knocking on my door.

I opened it up and he smiled. "Heyyy."

I chuckled and said "Hey...That was quick."

He smiled and said "Yeah, I know...I got a little too eager."

I smiled and said "Hey, I'm not complaining. Come on in." I moved to let him in, and he did. I closed the door behind me and locked it.

He shrugged out of his jacket and dropped it on the couch. He asked "Sooooo what sounds fun today?"

I shrugged and said "I dunno...Whatever you can think of, is okay with me."

He nodded and smiled. "Well...I kinda miss my time at the Rodeo..."

I smiled and said "Well if that's what you want then...I guess you better saddle up then, Cowboy."

He smiled and said "You know what, I think I will." 

 

~~~~~~~~

 

This time, I didn't carry him upstairs, and we settled on the couch. Hell I barely got to get out of my clothes, before he jumped me.

Right now I had my pants and underwear around my ankles and my shirt unbutton and spread open, while Bucky was riding on top of me. 

He he gripped onto my shoulders for support, and I held his hips...I think I ought to really support Bucky if he really wants to do the whole Cowboy, Rodeo thing for real...He sure is good at it.

I started thinking about all the other possible partners he's had...Not that it's any of my business, that's his, and I wouldn't butt in on someone else's business. But I do wonder about them, though...Not about who they were, but how they made him feel..

Were they gentle with him, or rough? Did they look at him like he was the most sublime work of art to ever walk the soil of this earth, or did they just want a quick fuck? Did they spend time with him after, or just tell him to get out? And did they ever make him feel how he's feeling right now with me, during it?

I never tore my eyes off him while he moved, and he stated back at me. He leaned down and kissed me, and I kissed him back. Then he pulled away and started kissing down my neck, and that's when I felt a sharp pain in my neck. _Did he just bite me?_

Whether he did or not, I actually kinda liked it. It wasn't a huge bite, but it was enough to feel it. I moaned and quickly started kissing his neck, and gently sank my teeth into his skin.

He groaned and dug his nails into my shoulders, leaving possible tiny half moons behind. He slowed down like yesterday, and slowly started rolling his hips. I groaned and he smiled.

He bit his lip and said "Touch me.." And I was gonna do just that. I nodded and quickly wrapped my hand around him and quickly started flicking my wrist back and forth. 

He groaned and started picking up speed again, and this felt so overwhelming. After a few minutes, I felt a growing knot in my stomach tighten so much, it kinda hurt. I swallowed and said "Sh-Shit...Jesus Buck, I'm gonna-" 

I got cut off when I felt that knot quickly come loose, and I spilled into him. I shuddered and he chuckled. He stopped for a minute and said "Didn't expect that...Thought you were gonna beat me..." 

I smiled and said "I am beating you." Gesturing to where my free hand was.

He rolled his eyes and said "Not that way, you pervert." 

I chuckled and started moving again. I decided it was time for me to pick things up, too. After a couple minutes, he took a deep shaky breath.

He exhaled and said " _Ohhhhhhkay_ , I think, Mmmm...I think I got a few more seconds, before I'm do-Oh... _Ohhhhhhh_ my God....Come on, come on, come o- _OH SHIT! STEVE!_ " 

That's when he froze and fell apart. He started coming all over my hand, and some on our stomachs. Then when he was done, we groaned and I smiled. I said "We should go to the Rodeo, more often."

He chuckled and said "Hell yeah...Oh God, you'd look so fucking hot with a Cowboy hat on...I think it would be sexy..."

I smiled and I said "Not as sexy as seeing you in one, beautiful...C'mon, let's hit the shower." 

He chuckled and said "Now Stevie, why would you go and hit a poor, defenseless shower, huh? What'd it ever do to you?"

I rolled my eyes and said "You know what I mean, smartass." 

 

~~~~~~~~

 

**_*Actually, I don't take my own advice, so this is the last chapter until later on today (since it's 12:06 AM where I am.) Don't worry, I started this chapter around 3, and HOLY SHIT IT TOOK FUCKING FOREVER TO WRITE, GOOD LORD!! So enjoy, and I'll catch some Z's <3 <3._ **


	4. Chapter 4

After we got out of the shower, he asked "So what now?"

I shrugged and asked "I dunno...You wanna watch a movie or something?"

He smiled and said "Yeah, sure." Then he walked over to where I keep all my movies, and started looking.

After a minute, he said "Awww.." He looked back at me and smiled. He asked "You like Disney?"

I shrugged and smiled a little. I said "Yeah, they're alright...Don't look at me like that!"

He chuckled and said "You are adorable." Then he went back to looking and asked "Does Tangled sound good?"

I smiled and said "Yeah, it sounds good." He smiled and grabbed it, before putting it into the DVD player. I switched the input on the TV, and we sat down.

He was right next to me, and I felt him lean into me, and sighed. I smiled a little and I rested my arm on the back of the couch, and played the movie.

 

~~~~~~~~

 

We were at the part where Rapunzel is about to start singing to help heal Eugene's hand, and that's when I heard Bucky quietly sing along with her.

 _"Flower, gleam and glow, Let your power shine. Make the clock reverse,_  
_Bring back what once was mine..."_

I looked down at him, and he kept his eyes fixed on the screen.  
  
_"Heal what has been hurt, Change the Fates' design. Save what has been lost, Bring back what once was mine...What once was mine..."_

I smiled a little and I brought my arm down off the couch, and slowly rested it on his shoulder. He looked down at it and smiled, but didn't look up at me. That's when I felt him lean into me some more.

After Tangled, he put in Alladin and I could tell he must like Disney movies. It was really cute seeing him so happy about it.

 

~~~~~~~~

 

After we finished Alladin, he said "I really don't feel like going back there tonight..." Then he looked up at me and said "I wish we could stay here tonight..."

I nodded and said "I know, Buck... But you know we both gotta go."

He nodded and said "Yeah, I know." Before going and picking another movie.

 

~~~~~~~~

 

(Two Months Later)

 

Since that day, he's come over a lot. Some to just hang out, watch movies and talk, and others to fuck. During that time, we've been getting to know each other a little more. Well he knew me and I knew him, but we didn't really _know_ each other.

No one still knows about us. Which is good. Sometimes I like it better when we're just hanging out, and not fucking. Well that part's good too, but seeing him smile and hearing him laugh, is a lot better.

Bucky's birthday is coming up in a few months. He's really happy about it, and I think it would help the situation a little...Make it a little less awkward.

One day he came over and as soon as I saw him, I could tell he was upset. I drew my eyebrows together and asked "Buck, what's wrong?"

He huffed and said "Fucking stupid homework...I can't figure out these fucking problems, so I decided to come here."

I nodded and asked "What's it on?"

He said "Anatomy...Not my strongest point."

I nodded and said "Okay, come in." After he came in, we headed upstairs to my room, and we started working on it. 

I helped him find some of the stuff he was struggling with, and then he hit a rough spot. He groaned and said "I fucking hate this class..." He dropped his pencil and said "I surrender. No more, I can't."

He was lying on his stomach, and I was doing the same thing. Then an idea popped into my head. I said "Aww come on, Buck...You'll get it, just keep working."

He whined and said "Nooooo, I don't wanna do anymore.."

I smiled and started moving until I was straddling him from behind. He looked back and asked "The Hell you doin', Steve?"

I smiled and said "I'm gonna help motivate you, Buck...Cause you need some motivation..."

I gripped his hips tight and pressed them flush against my crotch, and started slowly rocking them back forth. He gasped and I said "Now I'm gonna keep doin' this, and some other stuff too...How many problems you got left?"

He swallowed and said "Uh-Ummmm...Five..."

I nodded and said "Okay...If you get all five of them done, and they're done right...Then I'll reward you for doing so good, okay?"

He quickly nodded and said "O-Okay.." 

I said "But you gotta focus on your work, not anything else...And I expect you actually looking for the rest of the answers in your book, too. Got it?"

He nodded and said "Yes, Sir.." 

I smiled and said "Good. Now finish that problem." And kept moving. It wasnt long before I was almost fully hard from grinding into him like this. And I was pleased that my motivation exercise was working out well, cause he got another problem done in a flash. Plus he really looked doe the answer.

I moved my hands from his hips ad he moved onto the next problem, and started to slowly drag them up and down his body.

I said "That's it Baby, keep working...Fuck, you're so beautiful..."

He groaned and said "This is so not fair.."

I raised an eyebrow and asked "What was that?"

He chuckled and said "Nothin'...It just feels good..."

I smiled and said "It does...But if you get those problems done and make sure they're right, then I'll make it feel so much better..."

He looked back at me over his shoulder and bit his bottom lip. That's when I growled and brought my hand down hard on his ass, making him yelp. I asked "Did I say you could stop?? And don't you fuckin' look at me like that, get back to work."

He smiled and quickly got back to it, and I slipped my hands up under his shirt. He shivered when my hands touched his skin and said "Fuck...Your hands are cold." 

I smiled and said "They'll warm up, Baby...Keep going." He got two more problems done, and I said "You're doing so good, Buck...You're almost done, c'mon.."

He nodded and I kept rocking hard against him, and we both groaned. I started pushing his shirt up to his shoulders, and started kissing down his spine.

I dragged my tongue along all the places I was kissing, until I was dragging it along the cute little dimples on his lower back.

I pulled his pants down to his thighs, and groped his beautiful cheeks through the fabric of his underwear, before slowly pulling them down to join his pants.

I gripped one in one hand and pressed a couple gentle kisses to it, before gently nipping at it. He gasped loud and shuddered. I smiled and he groaned. He said "Please Steve..."

I asked "Please what?" Before gently spreading him out and without a second thought I dove right in and started dragging my tongue along his most private place, and he whimpered...Again, special place in Hell for me. 

He said "Fuck...Jesus Christ Steve, please!! Just fuck me, I can't take it anymore!!" I ignored him and kept lapping at him like a thirsty dog, and then I stopped.

I asked "You got everything done?" 

He quickly nodded and said "Yeah. Here." He quickly handed me the paper and I examined it. He said "I looked up the answers when I needed to, but the rest, I remembered."

I nodded and said "Alright...Looks about right to me."

He sighed in relief and asked "Now can we do it??"

I smiled and said "I think you've earned it...I'm very proud of you, Buck." He smiled and I handed the paper back to him. He quickly put in into the book, slammed it shut, and tossed it onto the floor. It landed with a loud thud, and I pulled my shirt off. 

After that was off, I quickly pulled my pants and underwear down, and he looked back at me. I started stroking myself and asked "Is this what you want, Baby?"

He nodded and said "Yeah..." He licked his lips and said "Fuck me."

I smiled and gripped his hip in one hand and positioned myself with the other, before I slowly started pushing into him. We both moaned and when I was about halfway though, I stopped for a second, before quickly snapping my hips forward.

He yelped and moaned and I quickly pulled back almost the whole way, before slamming right back in. I could tell he wanted it fast, so I started going fast.

He curved his back downwards and was struggling to stay up on his hands. With the teasing from earlier, I knew I wouldn't last too long. But I'll enjoy it while it lasts.

I noticed he was pushing back onto me, trying to match me, and I groaned. I started going as fast as I could possibly go and soon, I stopped and came.

He moaned and hung his head and I leaned down and pressed a kiss against his shoulder. Then I said "You did so good today, Buck...So good..." Then I wrapped my hand around him and quickly got him off.

 

~~~~~~~~

 

After we cleaned up, he smiled and said "Mmmm...I should come do homework here more often."

I chuckled and said "Probably... Everyone needs a great motivator."

He nodded and said "Well I feel very motivated." Then he came over and gave me a kiss.

I smiled and kissed him back and asked "Are you um...Are you doing anything this Saturday?" 

He shook his head and said "No, why?"

I said "Well um...I uh...I kinda wanted to see about maybe ordering a pizza or something then, and we can just sit and watch movies together, or something.."

He smiled and said "I'd like that."

I smiled and asked "You would?" 

He nodded and smiled. "Of course I would."

I nodded and said "Okay."

 

~~~~~~~~

 

(Saturday)

 

When Saturday came, Bucky came over, and I ordered a pizza, and we waited. While we waited, Bucky started playing music on his phone. When he skipped one to another song, Chandelier by Sia started playing.He smiled and said "Yes! I love this song!" And started singing along.

_" Party girls don't get hurt,  Can't feel anything, when will I learn? I  push it down, push it down.. I'm the one "for a good time call"  Phone's blowin' up, ringin' my doorbell.  I feel the love, feel the love.."_

I chuckled as he started randomly poking at my face on the _"_ _1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 3 drink.  1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 3 drink  1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 3 drink.  Throw 'em back, till I lose count._

 _I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier!!_  
_I'm gonna live like tomorrow doesn't exist, Like it doesn't exist!_  
_I'm gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry!!_  
_I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier!!"_

His singing wasn't actually bad. It was kind good. He smiled and said "C'mon Stevie sing with me!!"

I shook my head and said "No."  
  
_"But I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down, won't open my eyes._  
_Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cause I'm just holding on for tonight._  
_Help me, I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down, won't open my eyes._  
_Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cause I'm just holding on for tonight,_  
_On for tonight._  
  
_Sun is up, I'm a mess,_  
_Gotta get out now, gotta run from this._  
_Here comes the shame, here comes the shame.."_

That last part got stuck with me...I do feel kind of ashamed with what Bucky and I are doing...I know God probably isn't smiling down on me right now, I sure as Hell know Peggy isn't.

_"1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 3 drink. 1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 3 drink. 1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 3 drink. Throw 'em back till I lose count.."_

"Please Steve, pleeeeaaasseee??"

I sighed and smiled. "Alright Buck." And I started singing along with him.  
  
_"I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier!!_  
_I'm gonna live like tomorrow doesn't exist, Like it doesn't exist!!_  
_I'm gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry!!_  
_I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier!!_  
  
_But I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down, won't open my eyes._  
_Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cause I'm just holding on for tonight._  
_Help me, I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down, won't open my eyes._  
_Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cause I'm just holding on for tonight,_  
_On for tonight..."_

 

 ~~~~~~~~

 

After the pizza came, we started eating and he said "You sing pretty good."

I chuckled and said "No, I'm horrible...You on the other hand, you're pretty good...You should try for the Youth Choir or something."

He chuckled and said "God no, I'd be terrified... I kinda got stage fright."

I smiled and said "Aww...Well maybe someday I could help you through that...Really Buck, you could make it on _The Voice_ or something."

He smiled and said "Oh please, you're just being nice."

I shook my head and said "No, I'm not...Really, I could see it. I'd pick you, and any of those judges should too."

He smiled and said "Awww...Well I'll see about that...Thank you, Stevie."

I smiled and said "Anytime." 


	5. Chapter 5

(One Month Later)

 

Man, it was raining hard tonight. Rain makes me sleepy. Whether it was light or hard, it always helped me relax enough to fall asleep quick.

I was finishing up on the dishes, when there was a knock on my door. I looked back and quickly set the plate I was working on down, and said "I'm coming!" And went over.

When I opened it, Bucky was standing there. He was soaked, and shaking like crazy. I asked "Bucky? What are you doin' out here, it's pouring."

He nodded and said "I-I know...Can um...Can I-"

I nodded and motioned for him to come inside, and he did. I quickly pulled his shoes off and I said "Jesus Buck, you're shakin' like a leaf, come on, you need to dry off or somethin'."

He nodded and I quickly brought him upstairs and said "Here, take a hot shower, I'll work on getting your clothes dry, okay? And then we'll talk."

He nodded and said "O-Okay...Th-Thank you.." I nodded and he got the shower started, while I put his clothes in the dryer. Ten minutes later, he got out and I gave him a pair of my PJ's to wear.

When he got dressed, I asked "What's going on Buck, are you okay?"

He looked lime he was about to break down and cry. He shook his head and quietly said "N-No..." 

I made him look at me and said "I'm here for you Baby, okay?...What's wrong?"

He swallowed and took a deep, shaky breath. When he exhaled, he opened his eyes and looked up at me through his lashes, and said "My dad's dead, Stevie."

 

~~~~~~~~

 

I didn't believe him at first, but I asked "Wait what?"

A tear rolled down his cheek and he said "He got killed tonight...He was driving home, a-and he lost control of the car, and he smashed into another car driving by...Him and the other driver were killed instantly... The impact was so fast...A-And now he's dead..."

That's when he completely broke down and started crying. I quickly wrapped my arms around him and hugged him tight. He did the same and buried his head in my shoulder.

I rubbed his back and said "Shhhh it's okay...I'm here Buck, I'm here...Shhh Baby, it's okay..." And kissed the top of his head.

He said "I-I didn't wanna stay home...I ran all the way here, I didn't wanna go anywhere else...Can I stay the night? P-Please?"

I nodded and said "Of course you can, Buck...C'mon."

 

~~~~~~~~

 

We laid there in bed, and he was curled up against me with his head on my shoulder. I had my arm around him and kissed the top of his head. 

I said "I hope you don't get sick Buck, why didn't you drive here?"

He shrugged and said "I didn't care...I just wanted to get here to you, that's all I cared about...I left my phone in my room, I'm sure mom and Rebecca are _freaking out_ right now...I just had to get outta there..."

I nodded and he said "I'll just tell them I crashed at some motel for the night or whatever...I just wanna stay here tonight.."

I said "That's okay, Buck...Stay here as long as you need to, it's okay."

He nodded and looked up at me. His eyes were all red and puffy from crying, and he said "Thank you."

I smiled and said "Anytime, Buck." And I kissed his forehead.

 

~~~~~~~~

 

(Two Weeks Later)

 

Today was the day of George Barnes's funeral. I stood in ckose proximity to Bucky and his mom and sister. Natasha stood next to Bucky, and it broke my heart to see him like this.

His eyes were red and puffy, and his cheeks were flushed. He rubbed his moms back and hugged her close to him while she cried.

He looked up at me and that nearly made me break down. A tear rolled down my cheek and I wiped it away. He swallowed and looked back down at the casket.

Soon people came up and placed roses on top of the casket, and I was one of them. I set a white rose down, and I went over to them. His mom was talking to him, and I said "Misses Barnes...I'm so sorry for your loss."

She nodded and smiled a little. She quietly said "Thank you, Steve." 

I quickly hugged her and said "If there's anything you need, please let me know." 

She said "I will Dear, thank you." I did the same with Rebecca, and then I turned my attention to Bucky.

I said "I'm sorry for your loss, Bucky...Your father was a good man...If you ever need to talk, please don't hesitate to talk to me, okay?"

He nodded and said "Okay...Thank you."

I nodded and pulled him in for a hug. I wish I cod hug him for hours and must hold him while he cried, but I couldn't. The hug lasted about a couple seconds, before we pulled away. He smiled a little and said "See ya."

I nodded and said "See ya." And they went off.

 

~~~~~~~~

 

A few hours after the reception, I was about to text Bucky and ask if he wanted to come over, when there was a knock at the door. I quickly went over to answer it, and Bucky was standing there.

He had changed out of his suit, andooked like he'd been crying for hours. He also just looks exhausted, both physically and emotionally.

For a few seconds, he remains on the front step, while I stood in the doorway. I could see sadness in his eyes, and he could hardly look at me without looking like he was ready to break down again.

After watching him make a few discarded attempts to open his mouth and say something, I held out my hand and whispered “C’mere.”

He walks inside, straight into my open arms. He buried his face into my neck, and I rubbed his back with one hand. I shut the door with my other hand and then hugged him to me, tightly. Then he hugged me back.

We don't say anything, not right away. And just hold each other, while I pet the back of his hair and he continuously tightens his arms around my lower back.

He sighed against my skin. Then he pulled back enough so I could see his face. He was ready to cry again. I broke the hug and quietly said "Hey.." Before gently holding his face in my hands

His eyes closed and he nuzzled into my palm just the tiniest bit. There’s still tension between his brows, though; face still looking pained, like it had back at the funeral.

I looked back at him sadly, before pulling him back against me. After a brief, tight hug, I guide his face to mine until I pressed our lips together.

The kisses are slow and chaste. He holds his wrists while I kept his face framed in my hands. Our eyes are still closed when I finally stopped and gently touched my foreheads to his.

 

~~~~~~~~

 

(One Week Later)

 

He had come over a lot after that. Mainly to cry, or just have my company. A couple times he came over, didn't say a word, and just cuddled up to me. I didn't say anything back, and I just held him. It really hurt seeing him like this.

I started to realize, I'm starting to go too far with this. We agreed on a Friends With Benefits relationship, but after his dad died, everything's started changing.

He hasn't come just to fuck, he wants to spend time with me. Even he hardly ever says anything. I haven't seen him smile since before his dad died.

But he knew I would be here for him. Whether he smiled or not, or hardly talked to me or not, I loved having him with me. But this is starting to go too far, I'm worried one of us is either gonna do or say something stupid and this whole thing falls apart.

I texted him earlier this morning and asked how he was doing, but I didn't get an answer. I texted him a few times throughout the day, but he still wasn't answering. 

By the time it was almost nine, I really started to get scared. I was about to reach for my phone for about the billionth time to check and see if he answered when there was a familiar knock on the door.

I quickly pushed myself up off the couch and when I opened the door, Bucky was standing there. It took only one look at his face, and it all piece together...Jesus Christ…This kid is _shitfaced._

“Stevie!” he cheered throwing his hands into the air excitedly. His eyes are completely bleary and unfocused. And I could smell the booze off of him.

I swallowed and slowly said "Hey Buck...You feelin' okay?"

He grinned like the Cheshire Cat and said "I-I feel so fantastic!! I feel so fuzzy inside, but I kinda gotta pee..." Yeah, he's fucking out of it, slurring all over his words and looking back out to the neighborhood around them.

He asked "You hungry? I c-could go for soooommeee uhhhh... _TACOS!_ Thas it....I think there’s uh, a Taco joint like uhhhh, five minutes tha-way…” He points in a sloppy direction and wavers on his feet. Laughing to himself, then he points in the opposite direction and adds, “Or it might’ve betha-way…”

I nodded and said "Uh huh...Bucky baby, how much have you had to drink tonight?” keeping my tone gentle.

I gently reached ouy and grabbed for his arm to guide him inside. I said “C’mon, come inside. I can get you a glass of water.”

He quickly said "N-Nonononono, I'm fine, Stevie, I didn't have that much!! I had some beer, but only like two!!"

He knew it was a total lie, cause he was actually holding up six fingers. I nodded and said "Mhm, sure you did, Buck. C'mon."

He groaned and said "I swear Stevie, I'm fiiinnne!! I had two uh...Two beers, and um....A couple sips of some Vodka."

I nodded and asked "Are you sure it wasn't the whole bottle?"

He stumbled a little, laughing far too loudly at what I said, and said "You're so funny, Stevie....So Fuuuunnnyy.."

He tries kick his shoes off, but loses his balance and crashes sideways into the wall.

I quickly said “Whoa, ‘kay, easy Buck. Just hold on...Let me, here, I got it” I pinned him up against the wall and quickly pulled his shoes off.

He almost kneed me in the head when he moved a little, and busted out another peel of drunken laughter.

I said "Okay now, just take it easy, Buck."

He's trying to find the couch, but is swerving from left to right as if he’s was trying to make a zig zag pattern.

I kept trying to get his attention, but his attention span is non-existent at the moment, and he keeps talking over me, half the things coming out of his mouth not even making sense at all. 

I quickly ran to the kitchen and got him some water. When I came back, he was swaying around, with a huge grin plastered on his face.

He yelled "Stevie!! Look at me, I'm dancin'!! 'M dancin' so fuckin' pretty!!"

I nodded and said "Of course you are, Baby. Now come on, and sit down." I guided him to the couch and he dropped down onto with with a loud thud. Then he whined loudly and pouted like a little kid.

He said "You didn' like mah dancin'....Meanie.....You, you're are, you're just a big meanie!!"

He sticks out his index finger and nearly pokes my eye out. I leaned away, swatting at his hand then he pokes him in the cheek, and said "You...Your face is sooooooo squishy!!! Lemme squish it, c'mon baby, pleeaaassseee???"

“Okay, in a minute Bucky, we need to get some water in you,” I held the bottle of water out for him, but he didn't take it.

“I don’ want the water...I want Tacooos!! Then he giggled.

“Bucky, take a sip, we'll get Tacos later.”

He whined and said "Noooooo Tacks now, Stevie, nooooww!!" His eyes close and his face pinches with discomfort, and now he’s trying harder to twist himself away.

I said "Bucky, I don’t know how much you’ve had to drink, but you need to drink the water, okay? The last thing you need right now is to wind up at the hospital with alcohol poisoning.”

“I said m’fine-m'fine, you're fine, everythin' is just fiiiinnee...My dad is dead, eveeythin' is fine, I promise!!! Not like it hurts or nothin'!!"

My heart sank and I said "Baby-"

He cut me off and started cackling like a Hyena. Then he groaned and said "Gooooddd Stevie....Everythin's just so _FUCKED!_...An' now you're mad at me..."

I said "No Buck, I'm not mad...I'm not mad, why would I be mad?"

He whimpered and said "Cause 'm being a big baby..."

I said "Bucky, I swear, I'm not mad.

He lookes over and swallowed he asked "You’re not mad?”

I shook my head and said “No, baby, I’m not mad, of course I'm not mad..”

He let out a loud exhale. Eyes still closed, his bottom lip starts quivering. He fights it off, and I started getting worried. He said “But you’re gonna leave me.." 

I didn't know how to respond to that. I said "No Buck, I'm not gonna leave you.

He nodded and said "Yes you will." And he started crying. I've let this go too far.

I said "Baby? Bucky, come lie down with me, okay? Let's go lie down."

He opens his eyes. Distorted as his gaze is now on my face. His eyes are still red-rimmed, like he could break down sobbing at any second. But then his lips turn up coldly, stretching into a humorless smile. When he shakes his head, he looks away. He quietly said "It's not fair."

I drew my eyebrows together and asked "What?"

“I said it’s not fair!” He yells “Y’know…Y’know…” He pulls himself off the couch, then he teeters. His balance horrendously compromised, and starts pacing around the room, aimlessly.

He starts mumbling to himself, “She had her chance, she fuckin’ had her chance, you married her, she got to have you...It's not fuckin’ fair, this is fuckin’ bullshit--”

Then he points at me again, still stumbling around in loose circles. He said “She had her chance with you! She married you a-a-and she had a life with you and she just upped and died, Right? Am I Right???"

I swallowed and said “I… Bucky…”

“But at least she got to hug you, kiss you, fuck you, go on dates with you a-a-and she got to tell you, she loved you...” he continued. He’s speaking loudly, but not shouting, not really. More like pure panic or desperation.

He's never sounded so desperate before, not even while we were fucking, this was _desperate_. And then he kept going.

“Why the fuck was she allowed to have a chance like that and then just throw it away by dying, huh?? Hell, I can't go on a fuckin' date with you!" He exclaimed, gesturing to himself and then throwing his hands in the air.

“I’d like to be able to call you my boyfriend, and actually go out for a fucking change! It’d – I mean – y’know, it’d be nice if I didn’t have to come to this shitty lil house just to spend time with you!!"

I said "Bucky, please-"

A coupke tears went down his cheeks and he asked "You know how much it hurts to have ta delete every single goddamn text you send me?? I can't keep one text, not one! Or...Or you introduce me to all your friends as your boyfriend?? Or come hang out with me, Ma, and Becca, and have dinner with us, or some shit?!?!”

He’s speaking faster and faster now. His voice is starting to crack, and his breathing keeps catching. “Why...Why couldn't I just be your boyfriend?? Why have this stupid benefits thing, it's _BULLSHIT!!_ "

He kicked his foot out at nothing, but was probably thinking he hit something. He said "Why can’t I have you like she did, what made her so fuckin' special, Steve?! Whas' get got that I ain't got?!...'Sides a fuckin' heartbeat..."

Then he started cackling again, and I felt tears pooling in my eyes. I swallowed and quietly said "Bucky..."

He looked back at me and said "She's dead and fuckin' maggot food in tha ground, but you still love her more than you love me!"


	6. Chapter 6

_Please stop…Bucky, please stop talking, please stop…_

Bucky laughs at nothing, with no preamble. He yells " 'Parently, you gotta be dead for Steve Rogers to love you!!" To no one. Then he said "...Maybe I should just kill myself then, maybe that could work..."

A couple tears rolled down my cheeks and I said "Come on Bucky, please-"

Then he turns and says “You know what? You know what Stevie?... _I fuckin' love you!_..I love you soooo fuckin' much!! But you don't love me, 'course you don't...I ain't nothin' but a fuck toy you got on speed dial!! Thas all I am!! Bucky fuckin' Barnes, personal fuck toy, I should make some business cards!!

I’ll tell ya, Steve, I’ll fuckin’ tell ya…You're a reeeaaI piece a work...But you know what I'd love? I want you to get down on one knee one day and ask me to marry ya!!...Or me do it to you, whichever sounds better...You know I'd say yes, but would I get that??  _NNOOOPPPPEEEE!!! NOPERROONEY!_ 'Cause you don't love me! So it's all sunshiney, _FUCKED!!_ "

“I want to fucking marry you someday and...And be your forever!! Share a last name, and have some pretty fuckin’ weddin' somewhere, where we could actually invite our friens and family, 'cause we wouldn’t have to hide us no more... I… I bet you’d look so fuckin' great, in a tux..."

Now he’s smiling more genuinely, but there are tears in his eyes and he laughs to himself and that’s more genuine too…Like he's actually picturing it, and when his eyes crinkle up from laughing, some of those tears roll down his cheeks.

“I want you to look at me and tell me you wanna be with me forever, and promise me all sorts of stupid bullshit people say at weddin's....But you'd actually mean it...But we both know that ain't happenin'..."

He keeps going, back to staring off; not pacing as much anymore so he’s having starting to wobble a little again. He runs a hand through his hair. “I wanna be your everythin', S'all I want now...Be your baby Bucky...I knew I fell for ya after I told you ma dad died...Felt stuff before that, but how you were with me after...Thas when I knew..."

He stopped to wipe his tears away, and said "I wanna house and a family and so many fuckin' things with you, Stevie..A-And I want forever. I want forever, Steve, and I fuckin' hate that I’m not allowed to have that! Why was she allowed to have that even after she fuckin' croaked?! You still wear your weddin' ring, even when you're with me!!"

Too far. This has gone too far. Stop talking, _please, Bucky, stop fucking talking_ , stop making me picture these things, they’re perfect and you’re right, it’s not fair, it’s not fucking fair at all, stop talking, I’m sorry you want these things, please don’t make me want them too…I can't let myself want to have them too...

But I let myself want them...I can't take thus anymore, I love him too...But I can't, I can't fucking love him, this is all too much...I should've never kissed him that day...Never should've let him kiss me at the Church..

Suddenly he picks up the picture of Peggy by the couch and started yelling at it. He said "Fuck you, Peggy! Why did you have to go and ruin everythin' for me!! Stop stealin' him away from me, you rotten fuckin' whore!" Then he pulled his arm back and launched the from across the room.

I flinched when it shattered to pieces when it hit the wall, and he started laughing hysterically. I took down a lot of the pictures I had of her, cause he was right..I was too attached to her. But I still kept a few.

Despite that he did that, I had to stop this. That's when he stopped laughing and slowly dropped to his knees on the floor. He hunched over and started sobbing. Thats when I went over to him, dropped down next to him, and pulled him into a tight hug.

He hugged me back and was trembling against me. He holds me so so tight that it feels like my ribs could break. And I don't care.

 

~~~~~~~~

 

Bucky’s mood does another unexpected one-eighty. As if forgetting everything that literally justhappened, he sags against my chest and loses his steam. “M’sorry,” he mumbles again. “M’sorry, I’m so sorry, Steve, don’t be mad at me...I don't want you to leave me...”

I shook my head and said "I’m not...I'm not goin' anywhere Buck, I promise..." Even though it was a _lie_. I took his face back in his hands and placing a small kiss to his forehead. The smile I give him is forced, but luckily, he's too drunk still to notice. I said “Come sit on the couch with me,” And this time, he finally nods.

I had to help him get there without falling, since standing still for so long resulted in getting the spins. Feeling dizzy, he takes a seat and immediately closes his eyes.

He keeps swallowing every few seconds and breathing through parted lips. I just watch him, and worried he was gonna have another outburst.

A minute or so later, he sighed ans lethargically whispered "I'm tired, Stevie...But I dunno if I gotta throw up...."

I nodded and said "Okay baby, hold on. I'll be right back, drink your water."

He nodded and I rubbed his knee before running back to the kitchen to find a bowl, just in case.

However, when I come back into the living room, he's completely slumped to the the side, his feet still touching the floor. He was passed out.

For a moment, I felt fear creep up on me. But after checking that he’s still in fact breathing and that his pulse is fine, I knows that he's just out like a light and needs to sleep it off.

Lucky him, he'll get to sleep tonight...But I won't exactly envy the possible massive hangover he's gonna have in the morning.

He barely stirs, doing nothing but making a soft sound in his throat while he sleeps, while I gently lifted his head high enough to maneuver a pillow beneath it.

Then I went and grabbed a blanket folded up in one of the closets, down the hall. When I came back, I set the blanket down on top of the couch, before lifting his legs so he’s properly stretched across the couch, and then drapes it over his body.

I wanted to go upstairs and try to go to sleep, but I don't wanna leave him here. When wakes up, I wants to be there. 

Then came the matter of the broken picture frame. I got the broom out of the kitchen and went over and squatted down. I carefully pulles out the picture of Peggy, and stared at it for a minute. I felt a couple tears roll down my cheeks, and I signed and wiped them away.

After I cleaned all the glass up, I dumped the shards in the trashcan, put the broom back, and turned off all the lights I had left on. Now I was surrounded by darkness.

Finding my way back to the living room in the dark, I toom a seat on the recliner by the couch, and leaned back against it. I listened to the steady sound of his breathing, but stare straight ahead. Seeing nothing except darkness, but knowing  eyes will adjust. Even when they do, all I does is stare off anyways.

I don't fall asleep, right there and then...Not for a few hours. All I do I until then is think. And I think, and I think, and I think. It’s not like I'm in any short supply of things I very clearly need to think long and hard about. All the events that took place tonight, did just that.

 

~~~~~~~~

 

In the morning, I'm awakened around ten a.m. to the sound of one good, distressed groan. His eyes are still closed, but he’s not sleeping anymore...Seems like he just woken up only seconds before me.

One hand is pressed to my forehead. I opened my eyes and blinks away the sleep before glancing over at him. I slept horribly. Not only did the awkward way my head had hung on the chair and now gave me a kink in the side of my neck. But at least I don't got it as bad as him, I suppose. 

He looks like he’s got a migraine to end all migraines. First he continues to groan as he slowly writhes, trying to find a position that’s comfortable, and will possibly relieve him of his headache. It’s honestly adorable, and heartbreaking to watch him turn his face into the pillow and disappear, only for me to hear him whine out a muffled, “Oh my god…”

He turns his face back out from it and starts to grieve, “My fuckin’ head...What hit me?”

That's when he saw I was staring at him. I watched as his eyebrows camw together like he doesn’t understand. Despite his pounding head, he pushes himself up onto his forearm as his eyes dart away from me, and take in his surroundings. He looks like he has no idea why he’s there. I swallowed.

“What the fuck?...Did I stop by last night?” he asked. His voice sounded shot to shit. So gravelly and hoarse, I almost didn't understand him.

He looked back at in confusion, and he looks like genuinely doesn’t remember a thing from the night before...That felt almost good, but it just made my heart ache even more.

I decides it was best if I kept everything, all my feelings pushed as far down into the pit of my stomach as possible. “Yeah, around nine or ten, last night... You were fuckin' out of it, Buck.”

He nodded and looked down and away, taking that in. His skin’s pale and his lips look dry and a little cracked. He's got some bags going on beneath his eyes.

He keeps squinting, too, probably because the thin streams of light peeking in from the curtains. They must be too blinding for him at the moment.

Honestly, he looks terrible. But even terrible, he’s still the most beautiful person I've ever laid eyes on...But his inner beauty, I'm not sure about that at the moment. Not with everything that happened last night.

He coughed and asked “Did I wake you up?”

I shook my head and said “Nah, I was awake before you woke up..."

He nodded and asked “Oh god, I didn’t throw up anywhere, did I? Please tell me I didn't throw up on you?"

I gave him a tired smile and said “No, uh… Luckily you didn’t. Do you feel like you need to throw up now?”

He closed his eyes again, frowning. Lying back down, he draws his legs up beneath the blanket and curls into a ball. He covered his eyes with his hand as he groans again. “I don’t know...Right now my head is just fuckin’ killing me..."

I nodded and got up off the recliner. I said I’ll grab you some water and some Ibuprofen...If you feel nauseous at all, just let me know."

He nodded and groaned. He said "Thanks." I nodded and went up to my bedroom, and to bathroom. I grabbed the box of Ibuprofen from my medicine cabinet, and poured two of the little pills into my hand.

Then I put the cap back on the bottle, put it back in there, and went back downstairs to get him some water.

Then I remembered he didn't finish his water from last night. Must be in there somewhere. When I walked back into the living room, he was still covering his eyes.

He saw me coming, and quickly managed to haul himself up into a sitting position. He moved over to enough to make some room for me on the couch.

I found the untouched water bottle sitting on the floor, and I picked it up. I held it out for him and he took it.

Then I said "Here, take these." He nodded and I dropped the pills into his open hand.

Bucky eyes the pills and then lifts his head enough to part his lips. He quickly brought his hand up to his mouth and took the pills, before unscrewing the cap on the water bottle, before taking a couple sips.

He closed his eyes and swallowed. I asked "How do you feel?"

He groaned and said "Like I did something bad to feel lime hammered shit right now...Can't remember what, though..."

_Oh, just throwing a picture of my dead wife across the room, breaking it into a million pieces, and calling her a whore in a drunken, jealous rage._

Then he swallowed and looked up at me. He asked “I didn’t...Say or do anything stupid, did I?”

_Yes. A lot of both._

Then he asked after a small pause. “Like, was I a hot mess? I didn’t break anything or try to get into a fist fight with anyone, did I?”

_Yes, you broke the picture frame, and wailed to the world that I basically broke your heart, because of our relationship._

I chuckled and said “Well, I don’t know what you got up to before you came over here, but no, you didn't get in any fist fights with me.”

He nodded and groaned again. He held his head and said “God, Steve, my fuckin’ head,” then he says “Kill me, please, put me out of my fuckin' misery..."

Because he's not looking back anymore, I look away from him. I don't have to throw on a smile if he has no audience.

He hunched over and I rubbed his back. I said “Try and get s'more sleep...You might feel better later.."

He whined and said “I wanna die...I’m never gonna fuckin' drink again...”

A corner of my mouth curled up into a rueful smile. “That’s what they all say, Baby...”

If he’d been a little more awake, maybe he would’ve noticed the way that my tone isn’t quite on key. Not today.

  
~~~~~~~~

  
He falls back asleep, but I didn't. I feel more awake than ever...I probably couldn’t fall back asleep, even if you paid me.

So I decided to try and keep busy without causing a disturbance.

I headed upstairs to the attic, and workout for a little bit. Thankfully I cos use my attic, and it's not cluttered to shit.

I made sure to leave a little note on the coffee table, in case he were to get up, letting him know that I'm upstairs, and to call my cell if he needs me to come back.

I was up there for about an hour and when I get back downstairs, he's still out, and I didn't get any calls or texts.

As fucked up and mean as it sounds, I'm actually glad of it. After what happened last night, I don't know how much more I could take with him...

I love him, really, I fucking love him...But after last night, I can't get past this. Even if he doesn't remember, I can't take much more of it.

Part of the problem was falling for him so quickly. I was with Peggy for almost three years before I realized I was in love with her. But for Bucky, it was just a couple months or so. I can't do this, I thought I could, but I can't.

I tried my hardest to get my mind off of it, but I can’t stop replaying everything he had said and did last night.

I'm not exactly sure how to feel about the fact that he doesn’t remember any of it. In a way, I feel kind of relieved.

And I'm sure if I were to tell him everything that happened as soon as he showed up last night, he won't be very happy.

And I don't exactly want to have that conversation either. Just because there are things I'd have to then say, and I don't want to say them.

I take no pleasure in the idea of breaking his heart even more. It’s exactly the opposite. More than anything, what’s freaking ms out so much right now is that he might also be breaking my own.

I've been making a point this entire time to actively not imagine that sort of future with him, because he knew what we were getting into from the very beginning, and he knew I wasn't seeing a real relationship working out for us.

But then I started _CARING BACK_. I didn't know exactly when it did it for me...He said he knew after I was there for him after his dad died...I think maybe after the first or second time we had sex, I started feeling something...Like actually feelings, and not just cause we fucked.

But hearing him talking about it… Hearing about going on dates, and having a real relationship, me getting on one knee and asking marry him one day or the other way around, having a life together,

It’s the worst thing that could've happened...Almost worse than him throwing the picture frame.  
Because now, that's all I can think about. All of that sounds perfect. But with the kind of relationship we have, getting feelings for that person, can end badly, or very badly.

 _Fucking Hell...Jesus Bucky, why did you do this to me??_ I was never supposed to want this, I was never meant to fall for you, but I have. And now I don't know what to do.

 


End file.
